Share on Facebook

30 Witty Bar Jokes Anyone Can Remember

Break out these short, sweet bar jokes to turn any time into happy hour.

Bar Jokes Ha Ha Ftrd.com, Getty Images

Classic bar jokes

A man walks into a bar…or was it two men? Maybe it was a woman. However you want to tell it, there’s nothing like a bar joke to instantly liven up the room. We’ve rounded up the best of the best funny jokes to keep the banter and laughter flowing.  You’ll definitely want to add these to your repertoire, along with these clever jokes, short jokes, dad jokes, and bad jokes. You’ll be the group comedian in no time.

The Past, Present, And Future Walk Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

Don’t worry, we have more grammar jokes that all the word nerds will appreciate.

The Nsa Walks Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

The NSA Walks into a bar.

“Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!” the barman says.

The NSA smiles. “Heard it.”

Comic Sans, Helvetica, And Times New Roman Walk Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

“Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!”

An Amnesiac Walks Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

An amnesiac walks into a bar.

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

If you loved this, you’ll certainly laugh at these dark jokes.

A Neutron Walks Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

A neutron walks into a bar.

“How much for a beer?” the neutron asks.

“For you?” says the bartender. “No charge.”

Jimmy Wales Walks Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

Jimmy Wales* walks into a bar.

[citation needed]

*co-founder of Wikipedia

Two Dragons Walk Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

Two dragons walk into a bar.

The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”

His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”

A Screwdriver Rolls Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

A screwdriver rolls into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip??”

If this wasn’t cheesy enough for you, we have plenty of corny jokes up our sleeve.

The Barman Says, “we Don’t Serve Time Travelers In Here Bar Jokerd.com

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

A Frenchman Walks Into A Bar With A Cat On His Shoulder Bar Jokerd.com

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.

The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. “Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?”

“France,” the kitty says. “They’ve got millions of them!”

Mathematician Bar Jokerd.com

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”

The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”

The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”

Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

If you’re not a big beer fan, maybe try sharing some of these wine puns.

A Panda Walks Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

A panda walks into a bar.

He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”

Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

This Cowboy Walks Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

This cowboy walks into a bar.

His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.

In addition to these bar jokes, these drinking quotes will make you spit your drink out.

A Man Runs Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

A man runs into a bar.

Panting, he tells the barkeep, “Give me ten shots of your best whiskey—quick!” So the barkeep sets them up and the man knocks them all back in seconds.

“Why you drinking so fast?” asks the barkeep.

“You’d drink fast too if you had what I have,” says the man.

“Why, what do you have?” asks the barkeep.

“Only twelve cents.”

Some Kind Of Joke Bar Jokerd.com

A panda, a cowboy, a man with a cat on his shoulder, and a time traveler walk into a bar.

“What is this,” the bartender yells, “some kind of joke??”

A Five Dollar Bill Walks Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

A five-dollar bill walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey. This is a singles bar.

Two Guys Walk Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

Two guys walk into a bar.

The third one ducks.

How could we share bar jokes without including an anti-joke in the mix?

Weasel Bar Joke 2rd.com

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

Sandwich Bar Jokerd.com

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Sorry, sir. We don’t serve food here.”

A Tennis Ball Walks Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

A tennis ball walks into a bar.

The barman says, “Have you been served?”

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With A Piece Of Asphalt Under His Arm Bar Jokerd.com

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm.

He asks for one beer, and one for the road.

You may also want to try out some of these wine quotes that will uncork all the laughs.

Two Jumper Cables Walk Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

Two jumper cables walk into a bar.

One of them says, “We’d like a couple of beers, please.”

The bartender says, “OK, but don’t start anything.”

ƒ(x) Walks Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

ƒ(x) walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”

Fruit Punch Jokerd.com

A guy walks into a bar and asks for fruit punch.

The bartender says “Sure. Just get in line.”

The guy looks over and gets confused ’cause there’s no punchline.

A Man Walks Into A Bar Owned By Horses Bar Jokerd.com

A man walks into a bar owned by horses.

The bartender says, “Why the short face?”

A Corn Stalk Walks Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

A corn stalk walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Want to hear a joke?”

The corn stalk replies, “I’m all ears!”

Noble Gases Bar Jokerd.com

Helium walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.”

He doesn’t react.

Two Conspiracy Theorists Walk Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can’t tell me that was just a coincidence, man.

A New Lawyer Walks Into A Diner Bar Jokerd.com

A new lawyer walks into a diner.

“Where’s the bar?” she asks.

A waiter responds, “You passed it on the way here.”

A Beaver Walks Into A Bar Bar Jokerd.com

A beaver walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Close the dam door!”

For more joke ideas, check out our main collection of bar jokes that will turn you into the life of the party.

Reader's Digest
Originally Published in Reader's Digest

Emma Taubenfeld
Emma Taubenfeld is an assistant editor for Reader’s Digest who focuses on digital lifestyle topics such as memes, social media captions, pick-up lines, and cute pets. When she’s not working, you can find Emma reading corny young adult novels, creating carefully curated playlists, and figuring out how to spice up boxed mac and cheese.